20 Ways to Know if You Live in a Hick Household (I Thought I was Pretty Good at Keeping an Un-Hick Home. I was Wrong.)

Holy shit, I've been gone for a year! Okay, not really, but it feels like forever since I've written a post. I'd give you all a good excuse, but the truth is that the only reason I haven't written is because I didn't feel like it. Well, that, and the fact that life's been boring as hell.

Anyways, to make up for my longer-than-usual absense, here is a longer-than-usual post. With lots of pictures for people who don't like words. Although if you don't like words, I have no idea why you come to my blog. Weirdo.

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While looking for hick sterotypes, I came across this list. Though it was posted in a chat room (and so is about as credible as my knowledge of llama mating practices), I decided to see how many of these items applied to our household.

I then found out how far I've fallen down the rabbit hunting hole.

Disclaimer: We do not hunt rabbits. Except for Lucy. She's a bitch.

Without further ado, here is the list, and how we score on it.

1. "Couch that folds out into a bed. Common among whiteys in general, but in hick homes it's a staple thing..."
• Okay, if this person used the term whitey, I'm gonna go ahead and assume that they're a non-whitey. And because I've never seen, let alone heard of an African, Hispanic, Asian, Middle-Eastern or Native hick, I'm also gonna assume that this person is an outsider looking in at hicks, and can therefore give a fairly accurate portrayal of what non-hicks consider to be hick-ish.
• That being said, we don't have a futon. 
• A "Normal" household: 1, A Hick Household: 0.
• Sidenote: When we stay over at my parents' house, we have two options: the spare bedroom upstairs, which contains our old double bed and furniture, and my grand-mother's old pull-out couch from the 70's in the basement's entertainment room. Guess which one Andrew picks, every single time? Yeah, that's right: the damn 40+ year old pull-out couch.
• Sidesidenote: We've called dibs on Andrew's parent's old futon.
2. "axe"
• We don't have an axe either! Well, technically we don't have an axe because Andrew's dad has a mechanical woodsplitter..
• Normal: 1.5 Hick: 0.
3. "rifle - .306 (thirty-aught-six) for deer hunting, unless you hunt with shotgun slugs...but ****, you should really have both for the full hick experience."
• Fuck. While Andrew doesn't have a .306, he does have a rifle and seven shotguns. Yes, I'm completely serious
• Normal: 1.5 Hick: 1
• On a related note, you are welcome to join us in the event of a zombie apocalypse. Providing you have beneficial skills and resources. Like medical knowledge. Or a herd of alpacas.
• Yes, we have a zombie apocalypse plan. It never hurts to be prepared.
• Shut up.
4. "pick up truck - american-made, of course...jeeps are semi-respectable too, but not nearly as much as a pick-up."



Picture from a mudding expedition. Cause, obviously.

• Double fuck.
• Normal: 1.5 Hick: 2
5. "every type of essential camping and fishing item known to man."



Camo. On our anniversary.

• Normal: 1.5 Hick: 3
• On our first anniversary, I bought Andrew a camping grill. His response was "Wow, thanks! ...So, was I supposed to get you something too?"
• Every anniversary since then, we've celebrated by having a picnic in the back of Andrew's pick-up truck, camping grill included.
6. "barbed-wire fence marking the exact boundaries of your property line"
• A barbed-wire fence shall only appear in the event of a zombie apocalypse.
• Normal: 2.5 Hick: 3
7. "chaw/chew... and - with real old hicks - a spitoon."
• Oh God. If a spitoon ever appeared, I would leave him in 2 seconds flat.
• Normal: 3.5 Hick: 3
8. "at least one mounted taxidermy piece - preferably a deer with 8+ point antler configuration"
• Okay, so here's the thing. Before we ever moved in together, I tricked Andrew into promising to never bring any sort of stuffed animal into our future households. I have never regretted that bit of trickery.
• That being said, we do have antlers hanging on the wall in Andrew's man-cave. There's just no bone or fur attached to it.
• ....And there's going to be a coyote pelt hanging in our shed (aka, man-cave number 2).
• Normal: 3.5 Hick: 4
9. "septic tank"
• What the hell does that have to do with being a hick? That just means we live outside of town.
• Normal: 3.5 Hick: 5
10. "gas generator"
• We're saving up for one. So I'm gonna count it as one point for normalcy.
• Normal: 4.5 Hick: 5
11. "wood-panelling in every inch of your home"
• Ha!
• Normal: 5.5 Hick: 5
12. "mangy pet, usually a dog - hicks tend to drown their cats"



Our "mangy" dog. Fuck you, list-maker. She' a superstar.

• And most hicks that I know don't drown their cats, thank you very much!
• Normal: 5.5 Hick: 6
13. "smoker for fish and deer jerky"
• We don't have one. Unfortunatey, that's the type of item that will be on our wedding registry when Andrew finally puts a ring on it.
• Normal: 6.5 Hick: 6
14. "stilt-house/single-level house...but no subterranean, dug-in basement other than a coal den...and often just a trailer-home"



Well, this is getting kind of awkward...

• Normal: 6.5 Hick: 7
15. "clothes-line"
• Got that.
• Normal: 6.5 Hickness: 8
16. "road-side mailbox"
• Nope. There's so few people in our area that no one bothers to come out here to bring flyers.
• Except for the Jehovah Witnesses. You guys are determined as hell to spread the word.
• Normal: 7.5 Hickness: 8
17. "way out of tune, piece of **** spinet piano"
• This one is definitely my fault. I've always wanted a real piano, so when my childhood friend was selling his and asked if I wanted to buy it, I was all "FUCK YEAH I WANT A FUCKING PIANO!"
• Normal: 7.5 Hickness: 9
18. "beer-can collection"
• This one is definitely not my fault .
• Normal: 7.5 Hickness: 10
19. "dirtbike"
• Andrew sold his sporty four-wheeler (which is just a dirtbike with two extra wheels, cause MORE WHEELS IS SO MUCH COOLER) after he impressed me enough that I slept with him.
• So since he sold it, I'm not gonna count it. Because I'm already losing hard enough as it is.
• Normal: 7.5 Hickness: 11
20. "1/2 mesh baseball cap"
• I don't let Andrew wear those anymore. However, that doesn't mean he has million of them.
• Honestly, he has two bags full of hats in our closet, plus a bag left at his parents, plus a bunch in our mud room, plus these "favourite" hats that he leaves on the top of the couch.

The favourites.

Total Score:

Normal: 7.5

Hickness: 12

I might as well start learning to play the banjo and include camo in my attire.