Storytime with Andrew

This past week, I have learned two valuable life lessons. Not so major that Oprah can make a Master Class out of it, but apparently signficant enough to write a blog post.

First lesson: if you're lactose intolerant, do NOT EAT A BOWL OF ICE CREAM. Seriously, just don't. No matter how good it taste, it will still give you stomachaches and nausea for three days straight. The fact that it tastes delicious does not magically remove the lactose from it.

This bad decision led to the discovery of my second life lesson: don't let Andrew tell fairtales to little children. He will confuse and scar them. Case in point, this is the bedtime story Andrew made up for me when I was feeling sick:

Once upon a time, there was a fair princess who was sometimes a bitch, and an ogre.

So basically he's telling a story about Shrek.

The ogre loved the bitch...I mean, the fair princess, so much that every night, Shrek would-this  go to her castle and peer through her window.

While she bathed.

"...Tha fuck, Dude?"

A really perveted Shrek.

Then one day, the fair princess saw the ogre peer through her window and was surprised to find that he was tiny. Not a big, angry, brain-smashing hungry ogre, but just a wee little man.

So she put him in a jar.

That is the end.

...There's not much you can say to a story like that

Sidenote: If you type "Shrek" into Google, the first thing that it suggests is "Shrek is love Shrek is life". Don't click on it unless you want this face to haunt your dreams for the rest of your life. The pun "It's all ogre now" will have an entirely difference meaning afterwards.

This picture was taken from the Tumblr account Strange Pictures of Shrek.
It's filled with pictures of desk lamps.