Texting with Andrew: Infidelity Edition

After I had texted Andrew to let him know that I was doing some hot yoga after work on Friday, this conversation happened. (Note: I will be adding punctuation to Andrew's texts to make them understandable to the average human being.)

Me: Do you have any plans tonight?

Andrew: I'm going to go see the mistress.

Me: I heard she stopped taking her birth control pills, so make sure to bring rubbers.

Andrew: Oh wow. She never told me. She must be trying to trap me.

Me: That's how they get you - nine months later and BAM: 18 years of child support.

Andrew: Haha. That's hard to hide from you too. 

Me: You'd give it away so fast. I'd wake up to take the dog out and you'd be like "What, does the baby need changing?" 

Andrew: Haha yeah, in my sleep.

Me: And then: death by pillow.

Andrew: You wouldn't kill me... lol 

Me: If you had a secret love child, I just might.  

Andrew: lol. Ok, I'll try not to have one. Have fun at yoga.

Me: Thanks! Have fun with the whore.  

Andrew: I always do.
 

And then after class.

Me: Leaving class now. Put the whore away.

Andrew: Ok, she's gone.  

Me: Good. I don't want to see her Herpes face. 

Andrew: No, you don't. It's scary!

Me: You'd think you would go after prettier sluts. Standards, Andrew, standards!

Andrew: Yeah, well I don't. I have the prettiest one now. :) 

Me: Awwwwwww!

       Wait. DID YOU JUST CALL ME A SLUT???

Andrew simply responded with this emoticon:

 

 

And conversations like these are why we tend to avoid going out in public.

 

 

P.S. In case you didn't get that Andrew has an unfaithful sense of humor, no, he doesn't actually have a mistress. Well, I guess his best friend Jason can count as his mistress. His totally not gay and very manly mistress.