Me: Good morning, Life! - Life: F@*K YOU CHRISTINE!

I officially quit on living life today. I wash my hands of it. But just for today.

It all started with the fact that I forgot my phone at work last night. This has never happened to me before, but it wasn't really a big deal. Andrew is always all "Why don't you ever answer your phone Christine?! WHAT'S THE POINT OF OWNING A PHONE IF YOU DON'T ANSWER IT?", but I'm not as tethered to my cell as he is. So while a runaway phone isn't usually a big deal, it just happened to be the catalyst of today's events.

Sometimes, Captain Resourceful gets aggressive.

My biggest issue with not having my phone overnight is that it also doubles as my alarm clock in the morning. But that can't stop me, I'm CAPTAIN RESOURCEFUL! Andrew used a regular alarm clock, so I told Andrew to reset his alarm clock after he woke up so I would wake up a half hour later.

Andrew has the memory of a goldfish. It's ridiculous. Every once in a while, I think that he's miraculously developed the ability to remember important tasks or events.

Every time, I'm wrong.

I woke myself up at 8am. I usually wake up at 6:30. I emailed my boss that I was going to be late and rushed like the Roadrunner on cocaine. Captain R wasn't going to be stopped by a pesky goldfish-partner. I grabbed my lunch and my purse, locked the door, ran out to put Lucy in her kennel and then got into my car. I rummaged for my keys.

I had no keys.

My keys were on the microwave, inside the locked house.

"It's okay, Captain R. You got this. You'll find a way in." We have one window in our house that doesn't lock, making us easy prey for burglars (although really, our most valuable possession is Andrew's weight-lifting machine that he doesn't even use). This window is perfect for those times that we lock ourselves out; sure, we may look like criminal idiots wiggling into a 18"X18" opening, but it does the trick.

An elderly couple walking actually called me
out for wearing heels for my morning walk. I'm
in a dress and heels, with a sequined leather
 purse. I was like"This is not my usual casual
attire. I locked myself out of my house. But
thanks for the advice." And then limped away.

Except that Andrew had just installed a giant A/C yesterday in that exact window. My house was now a shitty-looking Fort Knox.

I went to call Andrew. I had no phone. I went to the neighbours to borrow their phone. Since I woke up so late, they were all gone.

What the fuck does Captain Resourceful do now?

I walked a kilometre down the rock/dirt road, in heels, to my technical-father-in-law's-if-only-Andrew-would-pop-the-damn-question house. No one was there. I tried my mechanic's (that I pay using cases of beer) house. No one there.

I finally found a neighbour that was home. At that point, I was tired, in pain and frustrated as hell. And what do I do when I'm frustrated? I cry.

While trying to keep it together, I asked her to borrow her phone. I called Andrew, but he was in the middle of a really important construction project at work and couldn't leave. I called my mom, and she wasn't answering. I was quickly unraveling. The neighbour asked if was okay.

And that's when I completely lost it. It was the ugly cry. Captain Resourceful became Captain Can't-Hold-her-Shit-Together. 

It happens every once in a while.

It was pitiful. I guess my neighbour felt really bad for me (or she felt really uncomfortable and just wanted me off of her lawn,) because she called out her husband and sent him down to try and break into my house for me. So the husband hopped into his truck to go down to my place to help, leaving me in his driveway (still in heels) to walk back home.

When I finally made it home, he was able to bust through my back door (which sounds really dirty), leaving me to go inside to cry by myself.  So I sent my boss an email explaning why I needed a Mental Health Day and I took the day off. Life obviously hates me today so I'm just going to sit and not touch anything.