Friday, 15 March 2013

Canadian Feature Friday: Making Canadian Crack - Maple Syrup Season

When writing a blog, you should only ever write about the shit you know. For instance, I can somewhat knowledgably write about hypochondria, dealing with a hick boyfriend and living with a dog that destroys everything when left alone. However, I can't write about the German language, platypuses or the pluralizing of strange words.

As of this season, I can now confidently write about harvesting maple sap and creating syrup, because of the combined facts that: 1) Andrew is continuing his family's Canadian Hick legacy by helping out at his dad's sugar camp, and 2) he now realizes that I can be put to work.

And so since this is all that is currently happening in my life, this is what you bitches get to read about.
Sidenote: I'm like the kid that pulls your ponytail because I like you. Bitches is purely a term of endearment.

For step 4, I highly recommend wasting time by playing with dogs. It makes
you feel like your heart is made of joy and marshmellows.

And so, in case you think that you can start your own maple syrup collection, here is a non-scientifically-written step-by-step.
1. Make sure you live somewhere where the temperature goes below freezing at night and above freezing in the daytime. Sap only runs in these conditions because it is a total diva.
    • If you don't have those conditions, move to Canada.
2. Find a shitload of maple trees.
3. Drill a hole into the tree, insert spile and hang bucket underneath it.

 4. Wait a while.
5. Everyday, drag your ass to those trees and dump all of the sap into a manmade tank attached to a four-wheeler with tank tracks instead of wheels - cause you're a badass.
    • Be prepared for aching muscles and an emergence of whiny complaints.
6.  Bring the sap tank to the camp, put sap through filters to get rid of nature (bits of bark, confused bugs, etc.)
7. Put sap in boiler and boil the fuck out of it.
Sidenote: It's actually a lot more complicated than just simply
boiling - it has to go through more filters and boil at a certain
temperature to be ready, etc. (I won't go too far into it, cause
it's boring and you don't care)
Extra step added by Andrew: Bring case of beer. Drink it all.
9. Put it in a fancy glass bottle. Or just a in can you found on the side of the road. Don't sell the dirty can. You will probably get sued.
10. Make pancakes for breakfast, lunch and dinner, and spread syrup over them like it's the only thing that keeps your heart pumping.
Lucy has no reason to be included in this post
other than the fact that she's gorgeous.
Bam! You're now a Canadian. You're welcome for the access to stronger beer.


  1. As much fun as this sounds, I think I'll just stay in my warm house and get my husband to go buy some maple syrup from the store. The dog does make it tempting, though.

  2. I'm going to sound totally unCanadian here, because well, I am un-Canadian, but I don't care for the taste of maple...

    Whew, there I said it. I've been carrying that around for a while. I don't care for syrup or maple flavored anything. I'd rather put jam on pancakes or just a little butter on some warm banana nut pancake! Yummm.


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