Andrew is an Austrian Bodybuilder/Popstar.

Andrew is singing Scream and Shout by Will.i.am and Britney Spears to Lucy. In the voice of Arnold Schwarzenegger.

"I want you to Scream and Shout and let it all out. Or I will terminate you."

Dancing in Winter Camo Gear is Tougher than I Thought

Although Andrew sleep-talks all the time, he sometimes quietly dreams that I do horrible things to him. Upon awaking, he then decides that he's still mad at me, and refuses to talk to me until he is happier (ie. fed). I always thought he was being absolutely ridiculous, until it happened to me last night.

Me: You were a disgusting asshole jerk face in my dream, so I'm having a hard time reminding myself that it wasn't really you

Andrew: Lol what I do

Me: So much douchery. You essentially  blatantly cheated on me and didn't care and wouldn't help me with anything. I had to do an exam at the university and halfway there you saw the Spice Girls walking by and you pulled over and offered to help them instead

Andrew: Lmao

Me: And you were flirting with them right in front of me. So I had to walk all the way to the university. And I didn't know the way so I was walking in circles. And I was panicking because I was going to be late. And you kept my laptop because Baby Spice wanted it so I had nothing to take notes with.

Andrew: Lol

Me: And I got to the university and it was Hogwarts looking and I decided to try and sleep with someone to get revenge on you. But no one wanted to because I was dressed in school clothes and couldn't buy myself a drink. And then I found out that you showed Ginger Spice the video of me dancing in your camo suit. Which was the ultimate betrayal. 

The aforementioned video was made when Andrew recorded me dancing around in his giant insulated snow camo suit. He was being a grumpy toddler and I decided to cheer him up. It was a success.

After I found out he recorded my dancing, I made him promise he would never show anyone without my permission. Especially not to Ginger Spice. 

 

(I was dancing to "Moves Like Jagger", because obviously. Look at this this still. I'm an amazing dancer.)

Me: So I decided to change my Facebook status to single to make a point. But I didn't have my phone or laptop so I couldn't. It was very stressful and upsetting.

Thankfully, Andrew was able to send me cute pictures of puppies, so I couldn't stay angry at him for much longer. 

Although I will never be able to look at the Spice Girls the same. 

Whores.

Canadian Feature Friday: Making Canadian Crack - Maple Syrup Season

When writing a blog, you should only ever write about the shit you know. For instance, I can somewhat knowledgably write about hypochondria, dealing with a hick boyfriend and living with a dog that destroys everything when left alone. However, I can't write about the German language, platypuses or the pluralizing of strange words.

As of this season, I can now confidently write about harvesting maple sap and creating syrup, because of the combined facts that: 1) Andrew is continuing his family's Canadian Hick legacy by helping out at his dad's sugar camp, and 2) he now realizes that I can be put to work.

And so since this is all that is currently happening in my life, this is what you bitches get to read about.

Sidenote: I'm like the kid that pulls your ponytail because I like you. Bitches is purely a term of endearment.



For step 4, I highly recommend wasting time by playing with dogs. It makes
you feel like your heart is made of joy and marshmellows.

And so, in case you think that you can start your own maple syrup collection, here is a non-scientifically-written step-by-step.

1. Make sure you live somewhere where the temperature goes below freezing at night and above freezing in the daytime. Sap only runs in these conditions because it is a total diva.

• If you don't have those conditions, move to Canada.

2. Find a shitload of maple trees.

3. Drill a hole into the tree, insert spile and hang bucket underneath it.

 4. Wait a while.

5. Everyday, drag your ass to those trees and dump all of the sap into a manmade tank attached to a four-wheeler with tank tracks instead of wheels - cause you're a badass.

• Be prepared for aching muscles and an emergence of whiny complaints.

6.  Bring the sap tank to the camp, put sap through filters to get rid of nature (bits of bark, confused bugs, etc.)

7. Put sap in boiler and boil the fuck out of it.

Sidenote: It's actually a lot more complicated than just simply
boiling - it has to go through more filters and boil at a certain
temperature to be ready, etc. (I won't go too far into it, cause
it's boring and you don't care)

Extra step added by Andrew: Bring case of beer. Drink it all.

9. Put it in a fancy glass bottle. Or just a in can you found on the side of the road. Don't sell the dirty can. You will probably get sued.

10. Make pancakes for breakfast, lunch and dinner, and spread syrup over them like it's the only thing that keeps your heart pumping.

Lucy has no reason to be included in this post
other than the fact that she's gorgeous.

Bam! You're now a Canadian. You're welcome for the access to stronger beer.

The Gods of Creative Humor Writing have Gone on Vacation.

Probably to Hawaii, or somewhere else where women dance around in grass skirts - I feel like the Writing Gods are probably perverts.

Anyways, they've been total jerks and left me behind, so I've had to deal with a major case of writer's block.

Hopefully they come back soon, but in the meantime, I'm just letting you all know that I'm doing great. In my case, lack of writing does not equal a mental breakdown, sudden drug addiction or secret Russian Mafia kidnapping.

Andrew and I have been busy helping out his dad to make maple syrup. Since that's the only interesting thing going on in my life right now, I'll try to post some pictures of the process. I'm thinking that because not everyone is Canadian, or hick, some of you might have absolutely no idea what entails in making the magical syrup. IT'S MAGIC Y'ALL!

HOLY SHIT, MAPLE SYRUP PHOTOS WILL BE TOMORROW'S CANADIAN FEATURE FRIDAY! (My genius astounds me.)

Okay, no more caps.

I'M TOTALLY KIDDING! THE CAPS NEVER END!

Sometimes, I Like to Give Andrew Gentle Reminders

 

The effort put in shows how much I love him.