Friday, 27 April 2012

I Love my Job Right Now

I just taught a bunch of 50+ year old women in my team how to shuffle a la LMFAO.

It's never too late to shuffle.

Wednesday, 25 April 2012

Surprise! I'm still Invisible! UPDATED: TURNS OUT I'M VISIBLE

Today is Administrative Professional Appreciation Day.

"Marketing, I have a beard.
How can I help you?"
 It's a day to consider those people who answer your phone, update your calendar, book your accommodations and car rentals. We screen calls from annoying people for you, work the photocopying and fax machines (since no one else knows how), and order the navy blue folders for you, because the light blue folders ruin your work flow. We essentially do all the shit you don't want to deal with.

So I got in to work today, walking by another Administrative Assistant's desk. She had a beautiful bouquet full of summer flowers on her desk with a big "THANK YOU" card next to it. The Admin across the hall got a gorgeous potted orchid plant.

Excited, I hurried over to my desk.


All that is on my desk is my name plate, a box of Kleenex and the dog calendar my mom bought me last Christmas.

I guess my team forgot to appreciate me.

If I get a call from a telemarketer or a really exasperating client, I'm forwarding the call. And I'm double-siding all photocopies. SCREW CONVENIENCE, I'M SAVING THE PLANET!

UPDATE! Flowers just got delivered to my desk.

Now feeling appreciated.  I guess I'll keep screening calls then.

Monday, 23 April 2012

Guess What?

After months of social isolation and an unnatural attachement to my laptop, I have finally handed in my thesis.

Pretty sure that's not a wolf...

I also found out that I got an A for it. Which means I am drinking an "A"mazing amount of liquor this weekend to celebrate.

I'm going to invent a new mixed drink, and call it the Prosthesis, cause you're going to act like you need one after you drink this shit. It's going to have vodka and sourpuss in it. And possibly a mixer too, depends on how much I want to celebrate. And vodka gummy bears in the bottom of the glass, to get the party started.

Worry if you don't hear from me after this weekend. 

(1) Click Here for Recipe. (2) Make Recipe. (3) Eat Entire Recipe. (4) Dance.

P.S. Everyone has heard of an Aardvark before, but have you ever heard of an Aardwolf?

This shit is real, folks.
Mind. Blown.

Wednesday, 18 April 2012

Post Explaining Why I'm not Posting Lately

In this case, the censored words are "reference", "thesis I'm working
on", "give me your publication information, because finding it
online is very". You can't think dirty when your thinking psych research.
I'm in the last throes of my thesis. Kinda like the last throes of passion, only without the passion and good feelings, and adding frustration, a lack a sleep and a ridiculously large pile of research articles near me at all times.
NOT YET! ....fucking cat...
But don't worry folks, I SEE THE LIGHT AT THE END OF THE TUNNEL! (I won't walk into it though. That shit is scary.) I only have to do a final read-through, add my acknowlegement section, and hand it all in for printing in order to receive my grade.

The grades must be submitted by April 24th, so I have less than a week to wait for it.

Thank God, because this academic year has been nonstop work for me: get up, go to work, go to class, go back to work, go home, work on thesis, sleep. It's a sad existence.

The last time I got drunk was in October, folks! OCTOBER. On my birthday.

So to help deal with the sudden onset of free time come a few days, I've made a list of things to do to celebrate my liberation:
  • Find a llama and pet it. Shouldn't be too hard, since I live in the middle of nowhere surrounded by farms.
  •  Read a book that doesn't invlove statistical analysis or personality trait constructs.
Gotta keep my A-Game.
  • Clean my house. It looks like a circus just passed through. I don't know why I used that comparison, but that's the scenario that pops in my head. (Is that a real saying? Has it been stored in my brain all this time, waiting for the oportune moment to jump out, or did I just make it up?)
  • Do ANYTHING that involves not sitting my ass in a chair. Anything.
  • Meet RANDY!
    At this point, there's probably more pictures of him on my blog
    than there are of me. FABULOUS!
    I can't even think of anything else fun I could do. It's been that long since I've had fun.
I would love suggestions! Just keep in mind I am poor, I live in New-Brunswick, Canada and I like to climb things. Especially when I'm drunk. Oh yeah, can't forget:
  • Get wasted!

Suggestions still appreciated.

Tuesday, 17 April 2012



I just bought the tickets.

I removed the refereces to my city. Because there has to be one of you that's a little more coocoo for cocoa puffs than
they should be. 4 out of 5 psychologist agree that 1 in 30 followers are coocoo for cocoa puffs.  But really, you could still find me if you tried hard enough. If you do, bring me a peacock.

Saturday, 14 April 2012

Dr. Christine - Like Dr. Phil, but WAY more doable.

I mean the advice is more doable. Not I'm more doable. Although I probably am.

Come on. Would you rather do this?....
...Or this?

Now I'm going to lay down some serious relationship advice.

Do you have a partner who has a hard time listening to your concerns and suggestions about your romantic relationship? Do they have ADHD, which distracts them during serious conversations? Do their eyes glaze over once you start "nagging"?
Well, here's a fool proof method of retaining the attention of your partner that also manages to entertain them (all the while informing them of more serious topics):

You ready for this groundbreaking information? Here it is.

Wednesday, 11 April 2012

Woah! I Think I'm in an Alternate Universe...

How I imagine it. I also believe that she always signs
her name as "Jenny the Bloggess", even on her tax
 forms. Also, you have no idea how long it took me
to sign that using Paint. No idea.
So, I just won an autographed Audio Book CD from the Bloggess. Which means my life is one step further to being complete (I have a lot of steps. They include buying a peacock named Jerry, getting married [ANDREW!], and learning to swim without having to doggy-paddle.)

Oh my God, SHE SAID MY NAME, EVERYONE! It's like being touched by an angel, if you replaced the angel with a chronically anxious Goddess of Blogging who has a strong penchant for taxidermied animals in outfits.

What her toy looks like.
I just spent 10 minutes explaining the great news to Lucy, since Andrew isn't home. She was so excited, she wacked me in the face with her gay loofah toy.

So that was exciting in and of itself. THEN, I went to check my stats, to see if No Heart's biggest fan came back. 

And I saw this.

The pageviews this week.

Such is the power of the Bloggess.

Not only have my pageviews quadrupledmillioned, but I have six new followers. As of this morning. (Hey-oh, new followers! Thanks for joining and enjoy the ride!)

I just want to throw it out there that it took me seven months to get ten followers, and I've now gotten over half of that in one day. If I wasn't so happy, I'd be pissed. I'm complicated like that.
In celebration, I'm going to pick up the destruction left by the tornado known as Lucy.

Also, I'm wearing a new bra today. It feels nice.

Friday, 6 April 2012

I Get Some Weird People Coming Here... WELCOME!

Seriously. You're all welcome here. Except those who like clowns. You guys get the fuck out of here.

I'm checking out my stats for the day, looking at the traffic sources. This is what I see.
A daily reminder that my blog lacks a following. Probably because people are tired of hearing about Lucy and my cats. Which I now just mentioned once again. Damn it.
 Then, this bit suddenly sticks out at me.

Bitches be cray'.
Which completely confounds me.

Now, I may be mistaken in how these stats work, but from what I understand, either 27 different people with a shaky grasp of the concept of spacing words all came to find my blog by googling the Care Bears villain, or one person googled the same damn thing 27 times.

I highly doubt that over twenty people all made the same spacing mistakes in one day while looking for No Heart. Especially since no one really gives a damn about him anymore. So I'm going to go with the idea that one person repeatedly clicked the "Google Search" button while searching for "carebears noheart", thinking that if they pushed the exact same button over and over again, the results might change.

Or even worse, this person might have looked through 27 pages of search results while trying to find the perfect article about an evil wizard with a ridiculously unimaginative name. And that's a sad, sad amount of dedication.

Thursday, 5 April 2012

Dear Lucy: F@*k You.

Here is one of the great mysteries of the modern world:

How does THIS?....

Yum, this cone tastes like drool.

Manage to do THIS?!

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