Life Update: Coughing, Cars, & Losing Teeth. None of These are Actually Related.

Hey all'y'all!

Sorry I haven't posted as much these past two weeks. Here's why you haven't heard from me:

• I had countless meetings and appointments to sell my old 1999 Oldsmobile Alero and buy myself a BRAND NEW 2012 Chevrolet Sonic.

Bam. So sexual.

• I name my cars (along with my purses, and other people's cats.) My new car is named Knuckles. Before you start thinking I have a weird hand fetish, the car is named after Sonic the Hedgehog's friend/nemesis Knuckles the Echidna. Get it? Red Sonic car, red echidna friend of Sonic? I'M SO AMAZINGLY CLEVER!

Although really, how does this....



...Look anything like this?

• I was sick as hell. The day I got my car, I decided that I was getting sick and went to bed at 8pm. I then proceeded to sleep around 100 hours during the span of a week; waking hours were spent coughing, blowing my nose, trying to get Andrew to do as much as possible for me and looking at WebMD to check if I had bronchitis, mono or pneumonia.
• Turns out I just had a cold.

Now that I have my car and I'm feeling healthy, I still won't be blogging for the next few days because I'll be recuperating from getting four teeth ripped out.

Yes, tomorrow, I will be losing all of my wisdom (not that I'm all that wise).

I'm kinda terrified about it because I hate invasive surgery, I hate needles, and I get grossed out easily by things like hearing my own teeth break and get pulled outohGodI'mgonnadie.

Because of this, I'm getting Ativan and laughing gas. I've never taken either, but the receptionist had the same procedures and treatment as me and said it was a blast. Apparently, her appointment was filled with hallucinations of golden retrievers frolicking around the dentist chair; she was too busy petting the non-existant puppies to ever feel pain.

My mother is taking me to the appointment. She will be bringing a video camera in case I say or do anything incredibly embarrasing.

When Andrew won't String more than Four words in a Row (Also Known as Every Single Day of his Life)

It's been a few months now that I've wanted to interview Andrew for a blog post. With all of things he says and does, I was sure that I'd get some really interesting answers to some of the questions. Unfortunately, I've quickly come to realize that his interview skills are less than up to par.

Interview attempt number one:

Me: Andrew, as a kid, what did you want to be when you grew up? 

Andrew: I dunno.

Me: Ok, well, how do you feel about the fact that you may be distantly related to Sarah Palin? (I am not making this shit up.)

Andrew: *shrugs*

Suffice to say, the interview was about as successful as my attempt to eat as much sugar as possible after Lent.

I've tried to ask him poignant/ridiculous questions a few times since then, but I've only received shrugs, monosyllabic replies, and the ever popular "I dunno". So I began brainstorming ways I could make him more talkative.

 "A bird may love a fish, signore, but where will they live?"
"Then I shall have to make you wings." Sucker gets me
every time.

1. Using hand puppets. Must save hand puppet communication for serious relationship issues, like geting Andrew to play Rockband.
2. Pretend to be a scary ghost that will haunt him eternally unless he answers a few simple questions. I'd probably accidentally scare myself instead.
3. Torture him into speaking. Will have to research jail sentence for torture.
4. Threaten that if he doesn't answer the questions, we'll watch Ever After over and over again every night for a week. He'll just go hunting every night instead.
5. Get him drunk. Yep, that'll work.

Yes, my current plan is to feed him liquor until he starts rambling. He can't argue with the plan because he lacks the ability to turn down a beer and it'll be the only time he can drink without hearing me say "Andrew, two beers a night makes you an alcoholic. YOU NEED TREATMENT OR YOU'LL GET LIVER FAILURE!" every five seconds.

So, with a plan in mind, I would like your help in finding questions to ask him during the interview. Examples of possible topics include his hickness, beer, his constant delay in proposing to me (even though I'm clearly awesome), hunting and why he doesn't consider taxidermy to be creepy as fuck.

Please refrain from asking questions pertaining to current events (since he lives under a rock), unless asking about country music, Ice Road Truckers, or Gwyneth Paltrow .


The only woman that could possibly come between us.
That is, if she suddenly left her husband and developped
a love for young, Canadian hicks. Possibility of
occurence: 0.5%. Andrew says the chance is still there.

Ready, set, ASK AWAY! :)

10 Hints that you Might be a Hypochondriac

As some readers know, I'm totally a hypochondriac.

Sidenote: I always forget the word, and constantly say kleptomaniac instead. Even though I've never stolen anything in my life. Well, except for a finger puppet from the bloodwork unit at the hospital. They're for the kids, but I deserved one too, Goddamnit.

Anyways, I thought I could use my experience of being paranoid about the state of my own health and that of those around me. So without further ado, here's a list that may help you to identify whether or not you are a hypochondriac.

• A cold is never just a cold. Its probably West Nile Virus. Or Ricin poisoning. The odds of it is like .001%. The chance is still there.
• You know the signs and symptoms of every major illnesses and a few rare ones too. Early warning signs of MS: tingling, numbness, blurred vision, lack of balance.  ... Shit, I have all those symptoms...
• When someone around you is sleeping, you have to periodically make sure they're still breathing. Just in case they suddenly died for no reason whatsoever.  This check might range from watching to see if their chest rises, to throwing things at them to make sure they wake up.
• You constantly ask others to check your vitals, like if your forehead is warm, or your tongue is red. And the bitches never get it right.
• If more than one symptom is showing up at the same time, it definitely means you have some sort of major illness. You have a fever and a bruise? It's Leukemia. You should call your doctor and get that shit checked out.
• You watch medical shows like Mystery Diagnosis that present case studies of rare disorders and diseases. You then check to make sure that you don't have the illness too. Or maybe you just skip the checkup and automatically think to yourself "Oh God, I have that."

• You always seem to have some sort of physical or mental symptom. In fact, you can hardly remember a time when you didn't feel some sort of symptom. Wait, it might have been a Tuesday in February...
• You have a cabinet filled with every single legal drug you can find. You never know when you're going to need Aleve, Benzocain, Pepto Bismol, or Ketoprofen. You might even have shit you don't need, like Claritin and Sudafed when you don't have any allergies whatsoever. But you might suddenly develop allergies. So better safe than sorry.
• WebMD Symptom Checker is bookmarked on your computer. Hell, it might even be your homepage.

• If you just read all of these hints and thought to yourself "Oh my God, I think I have that!", you definitely have hypochondria. Welcome to the club. Membership includes monogramed surgical masks.

I now have to go get reassured by Andrew that I'm not dying of a terminal illness.