Tuesday, 21 August 2012

When Andrew won't String more than Four words in a Row (Also Known as Every Single Day of his Life)

It's been a few months now that I've wanted to interview Andrew for a blog post. With all of things he says and does, I was sure that I'd get some really interesting answers to some of the questions. Unfortunately, I've quickly come to realize that his interview skills are less than up to par.

Interview attempt number one:

Me: Andrew, as a kid, what did you want to be when you grew up? 
Andrew: I dunno.
Me: Ok, well, how do you feel about the fact that you may be distantly related to Sarah Palin? (I am not making this shit up.)
Andrew: *shrugs*

Suffice to say, the interview was about as successful as my attempt to eat as much sugar as possible after Lent.

I've tried to ask him poignant/ridiculous questions a few times since then, but I've only received shrugs, monosyllabic replies, and the ever popular "I dunno". So I began brainstorming ways I could make him more talkative.
 "A bird may love a fish, signore, but where will they live?"
"Then I shall have to make you wings." Sucker gets me
every time.
  1. Using hand puppets. Must save hand puppet communication for serious relationship issues, like geting Andrew to play Rockband.
  2. Pretend to be a scary ghost that will haunt him eternally unless he answers a few simple questions. I'd probably accidentally scare myself instead.
  3. Torture him into speaking. Will have to research jail sentence for torture.
  4. Threaten that if he doesn't answer the questions, we'll watch Ever After over and over again every night for a week. He'll just go hunting every night instead.
  5. Get him drunk. Yep, that'll work.
Yes, my current plan is to feed him liquor until he starts rambling. He can't argue with the plan because he lacks the ability to turn down a beer and it'll be the only time he can drink without hearing me say "Andrew, two beers a night makes you an alcoholic. YOU NEED TREATMENT OR YOU'LL GET LIVER FAILURE!" every five seconds.

So, with a plan in mind, I would like your help in finding questions to ask him during the interview. Examples of possible topics include his hickness, beer, his constant delay in proposing to me (even though I'm clearly awesome), hunting and why he doesn't consider taxidermy to be creepy as fuck.

Please refrain from asking questions pertaining to current events (since he lives under a rock), unless asking about country music, Ice Road Truckers, or Gwyneth Paltrow .

The only woman that could possibly come between us.
That is, if she suddenly left her husband and developped
a love for young, Canadian hicks. Possibility of
occurence: 0.5%. Andrew says the chance is still there.
Ready, set, ASK AWAY! :)


  1. hahahaha: "possible topics include his hickness, beer, his constant delay in proposing to me (even though I'm clearly awesome), hunting and why he doesn't consider taxidermy creepy as fuck."

    You're the best.

    I think you should ask him about the best time he ever got a hickey.

    You know, because it's kind of like hick-ness.

  2. This could be the best interview ever.

    How about his thoughts on hunting from helicopters with automatic weapons? Does he have a preferred type or brand of beer for a particular mood, i.e. a happy day beer, a sad day beer, an I-just-bagged-a-moose beer, etc?

  3. Andrew,

    Why exactly do you equate hunting with manliness? Because if you beat your chest like a caveman and say me man kill meat. Why wouldn't you be ready to say me man you jane me keep you?

  4. Andrew, what's with hitting on your girlfriend's best friends when your girlfriend is watching? Do you enjoy making people uncomfortable?

  5. Why do you drive a manual truck? I'm actually surprised they still make manual trucks...

    What do you love most about this blog? What do you like least?

    If you could get married anywhere, where would it be?

    Are you a light beer drinker? or a manly full beer drinker? Ambers, ales, porters, stout, pilsners, lagers or IPA's?

    What is your favorite music? Favorite TV Show? Favorite movie?

    White or dark meat?

    Pancakes or waffles?

    Breakfast or dinner?

    I could go on and on, but it's almost time to shut down my computer and go home! :) Good luck!


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