Thursday, 8 November 2012

An Open Letter to a Fellow Concertgoer (AKA, It was a Miracle that a Murder Didn't Occur by the End of the Night.)

Dear Woman Who Sat Two Seats Away from me during Last Night's Nylons Concert,

Thank you for enhancing the concert; you really made it a night I’ll never forget.
I’d like to start by congratulating your efforts to join the group. They may be an all-male a cappella group, but that didn’t stop you from trying. After everything you did, I'm sure that the Nylons' manager will call you soon with an offer to join to the group. They'll rename it The Nylons and a Pair of Leggings. Cause you're in a category all your own, you special snowflake.
The Nylons, also known as "I'm pretty sure 1/2 of them are gay."
 If you were worried that your attempts at fifth-person harmonizing weren’t heard on stage al the way from the balcony (where we were sitting), you can stop being concerned: everyone heard it. It was especially clear during the group’s cover of I’m Yours by Jason Mraz, where your ooohs and aaahs and Hey-ey-ey-AYYYYYY managed to ruin what was once one of my "happy place" songs. Because of you, I now have it filed under "makes me rage like I take a combination of steroids and bath salts" songs.

I also had to marvel at your amazing clapping skills; although everyone was happily clapping to the beat, you decided to show us up by making extremely loud and complex beats like a cheerleader on cocaine.

Hear me clap, hear some more,
Look at me, the attention whore!
Were I wearing this shirt with no bra underneath, I would
have ripped it off my bare body and exposed myself to the
world, as long as she promised to wear it to every concert
she ever went to in order to warn other audience members.
Cause I'm a giving person.
I also think you were trying to start a trend with your clapping. Another trend you attempted was getting the audience to wave their hands in the air during especially poignant songs. Even though you didn’t persuade a single person to join in, you kept blocking the view of the spectators behind with your wildly flailing hands for a full two songs. For that perseverance, I applaud you.
I would also like to commend you on your incredible focus. It is amazing that you never noticed the dagger-dipped-in-poison-that-will-slowly-melt-your-insides eyes that I gave you every time you managed to be louder than the singers on stage.
The rest of the time I looked like this, cause I'm
a polite Canadian. But really, I felt like this...

Your piece the resistance was during the group’s last song, which also happened to be one of their greatest hits, the Lion Sleeps Tonight. While you still continued your clap, clap-clap, clap, clap, clap-clap beat and your harmonizing, you also decided to make a noise that I could only describe as a mixture of Xena the Warrior Princess’ battle cry and a tropical parrot’s trilling. And let's not forget the reverential "wow" you cried out every single time someone hit a high note which, needless to say, was heard every other fucking minute during the Lion Sleeps Tonight.
So once again, thank you for making this concert so memorable. I'm sure that my future children and grandchildren will hear stories of you, and how you made me feel.



P.S. I'd stop doing this shit at concerts, before someone bitch slaps you. Bitch. xox


  1. WTF? Seriously? Wow. Just wow. Now I love to sing in the car because I'm all alone and no one else has to hear. But I'd never go to a concert and sing for all of those around me to hear when they came to listen to the person on stage!

    My husband would have politely tapped her on the shoulder and asked her, "who sings that?" When she replied he would then say, "let's keep it that way." Yes. This is what he does to me when I am singing to the radio. It reminds me that I am a tad bit tone def and it's not nice to make others hear that! lol.

    You showed a lot of restraint. That is absolutely horrible and I am not sure I could have shown equal restraint. I'd have had a few drinks and then let loose on her. haha!

  2. I know that woman. She sat beside us at a Lord of the Dance show once. What a freakin' nightmare. I actually thought she was going to rush the stage or go into a When-Harry-Met-Sally moment at any second. But as you said, being polite Canadians we simply sat and seethed.

    I gave you a Liebster award because I really enjoy reading your blog. I know not everyone likes memes, but if you're interested, it's here:

  3. LeAnn, that is hilarious! :P

    And, you're a lot nicer than I am, Christine, because I say mean stuff when I'm irritated. Mostly about the people who just stand in the middle of the aisle talking on their phone or to their friend and they become suddenly deaf to everybody else except said person/phone call when you're politely asking them to excuse you to get through. At this point, I just barge through with a death glare.

    But, I'm a New Yorker. We're just not polite. Haha.

  4. I've had a similar experience, although mine was a rock concert and the rage face was the product of some 16 year old in an obviously padded push-up bra, who screamed at the top of her lungs every 10 seconds or so. It did not line up with anything interesting happening on stage. She even did it during intermission. I have never wished so hard for someones trachea to spontaneously combust before in my life.


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