Anyways, to make up for my longer-than-usual absense, here is a longer-than-usual post. With lots of pictures for people who don't like words. Although if you don't like words, I have no idea why you come to my blog. Weirdo.
While looking for hick sterotypes, I came across this list. Though it was posted in a chat room (and so is about as credible as my knowledge of llama mating practices), I decided to see how many of these items applied to our household.
I then found out how far I've fallen down the rabbit hunting hole.
Disclaimer: We do not hunt rabbits. Except for Lucy. She's a bitch.Without further ado, here is the list, and how we score on it.
- "Couch that folds out into a bed. Common among whiteys in general, but in hick homes it's a staple thing..."
- Okay, if this person used the term whitey, I'm gonna go ahead and assume that they're a non-whitey. And because I've never seen, let alone heard of an African, Hispanic, Asian, Middle-Eastern or Native hick, I'm also gonna assume that this person is an outsider looking in at hicks, and can therefore give a fairly accurate portrayal of what non-hicks consider to be hick-ish.
- That being said, we don't have a futon.
- A "Normal" household: 1, A Hick Household: 0.
- Sidenote: When we stay over at my parents' house, we have two options: the spare bedroom upstairs, which contains our old double bed and furniture, and my grand-mother's old pull-out couch from the 70's in the basement's entertainment room. Guess which one Andrew picks, every single time? Yeah, that's right: the damn 40+ year old pull-out couch.
- Sidesidenote: We've called dibs on Andrew's parent's old futon.
- We don't have an axe either! Well, technically we don't have an axe because Andrew's dad has a mechanical woodsplitter..
- Normal: 1.5 Hick: 0.
- Fuck. While Andrew doesn't have a .306, he does have a rifle and seven shotguns. Yes, I'm completely serious
- Normal: 1.5 Hick: 1
- On a related note, you are welcome to join us in the event of a zombie apocalypse. Providing you have beneficial skills and resources. Like medical knowledge. Or a herd of alpacas.
- Yes, we have a zombie apocalypse plan. It never hurts to be prepared.
- Shut up.
|Picture from a mudding expedition. Cause, obviously.|
- Double fuck.
- Normal: 1.5 Hick: 2
- On our first anniversary, I bought Andrew a camping grill. His response was "Wow, thanks! ...So, was I supposed to get you something too?"
- Every anniversary since then, we've celebrated by having a picnic in the back of Andrew's pick-up truck, camping grill included.
- A barbed-wire fence shall only appear in the event of a zombie apocalypse.
- Normal: 2.5 Hick: 3
- Oh God. If a spitoon ever appeared, I would leave him in 2 seconds flat.
- Normal: 3.5 Hick: 3
- Okay, so here's the thing. Before we ever moved in together, I tricked Andrew into promising to never bring any sort of stuffed animal into our future households. I have never regretted that bit of trickery.
- That being said, we do have antlers hanging on the wall in Andrew's man-cave. There's just no bone or fur attached to it.
- ....And there's going to be a coyote pelt hanging in our shed (aka, man-cave number 2).
- Normal: 3.5 Hick: 4
- What the hell does that have to do with being a hick? That just means we live outside of town.
- Normal: 3.5 Hick: 5
- We're saving up for one. So I'm gonna count it as one point for normalcy.
- Normal: 4.5 Hick: 5
- Normal: 5.5 Hick: 5
- And most hicks that I know don't drown their cats, thank you very much!
- Normal: 5.5 Hick: 6
- We don't have one. Unfortunatey, that's the type of item that will be on our wedding registry when Andrew finally puts a ring on it.
- Normal: 6.5 Hick: 6
|Well, this is getting kind of awkward...|
- Normal: 6.5 Hick: 7
- Got that.
- Normal: 6.5 Hickness: 8
- Nope. There's so few people in our area that no one bothers to come out here to bring flyers.
- Except for the Jehovah Witnesses. You guys are determined as hell to spread the word.
- Normal: 7.5 Hickness: 8
- This one is definitely my fault. I've always wanted a real piano, so when my childhood friend was selling his and asked if I wanted to buy it, I was all "FUCK YEAH I WANT A FUCKING PIANO!"
- Normal: 7.5 Hickness: 9
- This one is definitely not my fault .
- Normal: 7.5 Hickness: 10
- Andrew sold his sporty four-wheeler (which is just a dirtbike with two extra wheels, cause MORE WHEELS IS SO MUCH COOLER) after he impressed me enough that I slept with him.
- So since he sold it, I'm not gonna count it. Because I'm already losing hard enough as it is.
- Normal: 7.5 Hickness: 11
- I don't let Andrew wear those anymore. However, that doesn't mean he has million of them.
- Honestly, he has two bags full of hats in our closet, plus a bag left at his parents, plus a bunch in our mud room, plus these "favourite" hats that he leaves on the top of the couch.
I might as well start learning to play the banjo and include camo in my attire.