Saturday, 9 February 2013

20 Ways to Know if You Live in a Hick Household (I Thought I was Pretty Good at Keeping an Un-Hick Home. I was Wrong.)

Holy shit, I've been gone for a year! Okay, not really, but it feels like forever since I've written a post. I'd give you all a good excuse, but the truth is that the only reason I haven't written is because I didn't feel like it. Well, that, and the fact that life's been boring as hell.

Anyways, to make up for my longer-than-usual absense, here is a longer-than-usual post. With lots of pictures for people who don't like words. Although if you don't like words, I have no idea why you come to my blog. Weirdo.


While looking for hick sterotypes, I came across this list. Though it was posted in a chat room (and so is about as credible as my knowledge of llama mating practices), I decided to see how many of these items applied to our household.

I then found out how far I've fallen down the rabbit hunting hole.
Disclaimer: We do not hunt rabbits. Except for Lucy. She's a bitch.
Without further ado, here is the list, and how we score on it.
  1. "Couch that folds out into a bed. Common among whiteys in general, but in hick homes it's a staple thing..."
    • Okay, if this person used the term whitey, I'm gonna go ahead and assume that they're a non-whitey. And because I've never seen, let alone heard of an African, Hispanic, Asian, Middle-Eastern or Native hick, I'm also gonna assume that this person is an outsider looking in at hicks, and can therefore give a fairly accurate portrayal of what non-hicks consider to be hick-ish.
    • That being said, we don't have a futon. 
      • A "Normal" household: 1, A Hick Household: 0.
    • Sidenote: When we stay over at my parents' house, we have two options: the spare bedroom upstairs, which contains our old double bed and furniture, and my grand-mother's old pull-out couch from the 70's in the basement's entertainment room. Guess which one Andrew picks, every single time? Yeah, that's right: the damn 40+ year old pull-out couch.
      • Sidesidenote: We've called dibs on Andrew's parent's old futon.
  2. "axe"
    • We don't have an axe either! Well, technically we don't have an axe because Andrew's dad has a mechanical woodsplitter..
      • Normal: 1.5 Hick: 0.
  3. "rifle - .306 (thirty-aught-six) for deer hunting, unless you hunt with shotgun slugs...but ****, you should really have both for the full hick experience."
    • Fuck. While Andrew doesn't have a .306, he does have a rifle and seven shotguns. Yes, I'm completely serious
      • Normal: 1.5 Hick: 1
      • On a related note, you are welcome to join us in the event of a zombie apocalypse. Providing you have beneficial skills and resources. Like medical knowledge. Or a herd of alpacas.
        • Yes, we have a zombie apocalypse plan. It never hurts to be prepared.
          • Shut up.
  4. "pick up truck - american-made, of course...jeeps are semi-respectable too, but not nearly as much as a pick-up."
  5. Picture from a mudding expedition. Cause, obviously.
    • Double fuck.
      • Normal: 1.5 Hick: 2
  6. "every type of essential camping and fishing item known to man."
      • Camo. On our anniversary.
      • Normal: 1.5 Hick: 3
    • On our first anniversary, I bought Andrew a camping grill. His response was "Wow, thanks! ...So, was I supposed to get you something too?"
    • Every anniversary since then, we've celebrated by having a picnic in the back of Andrew's pick-up truck, camping grill included.
  7. "barbed-wire fence marking the exact boundaries of your property line"
    • A barbed-wire fence shall only appear in the event of a zombie apocalypse.
      • Normal: 2.5 Hick: 3
  8. "chaw/chew... and - with real old hicks - a spitoon."
    • Oh God. If a spitoon ever appeared, I would leave him in 2 seconds flat.
      • Normal: 3.5 Hick: 3
  9. "at least one mounted taxidermy piece - preferably a deer with 8+ point antler configuration"
    • Okay, so here's the thing. Before we ever moved in together, I tricked Andrew into promising to never bring any sort of stuffed animal into our future households. I have never regretted that bit of trickery.
      • That being said, we do have antlers hanging on the wall in Andrew's man-cave. There's just no bone or fur attached to it.
      • ....And there's going to be a coyote pelt hanging in our shed (aka, man-cave number 2).
      • Normal: 3.5 Hick: 4
  10. "septic tank"
    • What the hell does that have to do with being a hick? That just means we live outside of town.
      • Normal: 3.5 Hick: 5
  11. "gas generator"
    • We're saving up for one. So I'm gonna count it as one point for normalcy.
      • Normal: 4.5 Hick: 5
  12. "wood-panelling in every inch of your home"
    • Ha!
      • Normal: 5.5 Hick: 5
  13. "mangy pet, usually a dog - hicks tend to drown their cats"
      • Our "mangy" dog. Fuck you, list-maker. She' a superstar.
    • And most hicks that I know don't drown their cats, thank you very much!
      • Normal: 5.5 Hick: 6
  14. "smoker for fish and deer jerky"
    • We don't have one. Unfortunatey, that's the type of item that will be on our wedding registry when Andrew finally puts a ring on it.
      • Normal: 6.5 Hick: 6
  15. "stilt-house/single-level house...but no subterranean, dug-in basement other than a coal den...and often just a trailer-home"
  16. Well, this is getting kind of awkward...
      • Normal: 6.5 Hick: 7
  17. "clothes-line"
    • Got that.
      • Normal: 6.5 Hickness: 8
  18. "road-side mailbox"
    • Nope. There's so few people in our area that no one bothers to come out here to bring flyers.
      • Except for the Jehovah Witnesses. You guys are determined as hell to spread the word.
      • Normal: 7.5 Hickness: 8
  19. "way out of tune, piece of **** spinet piano"
    • This one is definitely my fault. I've always wanted a real piano, so when my childhood friend was selling his and asked if I wanted to buy it, I was all "FUCK YEAH I WANT A FUCKING PIANO!"
      • Normal: 7.5 Hickness: 9
  20. "beer-can collection"
    • This one is definitely not my fault .
      • Normal: 7.5 Hickness: 10
  21. "dirtbike"
    • Andrew sold his sporty four-wheeler (which is just a dirtbike with two extra wheels, cause MORE WHEELS IS SO MUCH COOLER) after he impressed me enough that I slept with him.
      • So since he sold it, I'm not gonna count it. Because I'm already losing hard enough as it is.
      • Normal: 7.5 Hickness: 11
  22. "1/2 mesh baseball cap"
    • I don't let Andrew wear those anymore. However, that doesn't mean he has million of them.
    • Honestly, he has two bags full of hats in our closet, plus a bag left at his parents, plus a bunch in our mud room, plus these "favourite" hats that he leaves on the top of the couch.
The favourites.

Total Score:
Normal: 7.5
Hickness: 12
I might as well start learning to play the banjo and include camo in my attire. 


  1. I got three hick points. Does that mean I'm a hickette? A Demi-hick?

    1. Hick-in-training?

      Yep, I'm gonna go with hick-in-training.

  2. Not that it matters, but you shouldn't count the septic. That makes no sense. (And lol on your dog caption... truly, even though I think lol is overused and always wonder if the person really lol'ed (I did). They should make a hhtf. And who ever has really been rofl, anyway?)

    1. I like hhtf. I make that noise all of the time. That should become an international thing. The only people who actually rofl are drunks.

      That being said, thank you for lol-ing.

  3. Bahaha Love it! Poor you! Still a diva at heart though, right? PS I agree about the septic thing... And Lucy... And I don't blame you for the piano. I would freak for a piano too!

  4. I strongly disagree with a roadside mailbox, as those are basically suburbia incarnate if you stab a few white pickets in the ground beside it. Also, smokers are awesome. Smoked meats are awesome.

    1. You and Andrew need to meet up and gush about how awesome smokers are. Because Andrew can seriously talk about them for at least an hour.

      And I have to say, I totally wouldn't mind having a smoker.

    2. After reading your comment outloud to Andrew, he nodded his head approvingly and said "I like this psychofab."

  5. Hicks normally don't live in the city so they always have a septic tank. :)

    I have a roadside mailbox and live in the city so what does that have to do with it? Hmmm.

    I only had one or two things on that list. Ford Truck check, camping equipment, check, mangy dog...three checks, although one is a pug and doesn't really count as a dog. :) Just got rid of the piano and hubby stopped wearing those mesh baseball caps in the 80's! ok, maybe the 90's. :)


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