Dear Woman Who Sat Two Seats Away from
me during Last Night's Nylons Concert,
Thank you for enhancing
the concert; you really made it a night I’ll never
forget.
I’d like to start by
congratulating your efforts to join the group. They may be an all-male a
cappella group, but that didn’t stop you from trying. After everything you did,
I'm sure that the Nylons' manager will call you soon with an offer to join to
the group. They'll rename it The Nylons and a Pair of
Leggings. Cause you're in a category all your own, you special
snowflake.
 |
| The Nylons, also known as "I'm pretty sure 1/2 of them are gay." |
If you were worried that your attempts at
fifth-person harmonizing weren’t heard on stage al the way from the balcony
(where we were sitting), you can stop being concerned: everyone heard it.
It was especially clear during the group’s cover of I’m Yours by Jason Mraz, where your ooohs and aaahs
and Hey-ey-ey-AYYYYYY managed to ruin what was once one of my "happy place"
songs. Because of you, I now have it filed under "makes me rage like I take a
combination of steroids and bath salts" songs.
I also had to marvel at your amazing clapping
skills; although everyone was happily clapping to the beat, you decided to show
us up by making extremely loud and complex beats like a cheerleader on cocaine.
Hear me clap, hear some more,
Look at me, the attention whore!
 |
Were I wearing this shirt with no bra underneath, I would
have ripped it off my bare body and exposed myself to the
world, as long as she promised to wear it to every concert
she ever went to in order to warn other audience members.
Cause I'm a giving person. |
I also think you were
trying to start a trend with your clapping. Another trend
you attempted was getting the audience to wave their hands in the air during
especially poignant songs. Even though you didn’t persuade a single person to
join in, you kept blocking the view of the spectators behind with your wildly
flailing hands for a full two songs. For that perseverance, I applaud
you.
I would also like to
commend you on your incredible focus. It is amazing that you never noticed the
dagger-dipped-in-poison-that-will-slowly-melt-your-insides eyes
that I gave you every time you managed to be louder than the singers on
stage.
 |
The rest of the time I looked like this, cause I'm
a polite Canadian. But really, I felt like this... |
Your piece the
resistance was during the group’s last song, which also happened to be one
of their greatest hits, the Lion Sleeps
Tonight. While you still
continued your clap, clap-clap, clap, clap, clap-clap beat and your harmonizing,
you also decided to make a noise that I could only describe as a mixture of Xena
the Warrior Princess’ battle cry and a tropical parrot’s trilling. And let's not
forget the reverential "wow" you cried out every single time someone hit a high note which,
needless to say, was heard every other fucking minute during the Lion Sleeps
Tonight.
So once again, thank you for making
this concert so memorable. I'm sure that my future children and grandchildren
will hear stories of you, and how you made me feel.
Love,
Christine.
P.S. I'd stop doing this shit at
concerts, before someone bitch slaps you. Bitch. xox
