Saturday, 8 December 2012

Dr. Christine, Relationship Expert - I Need to Start Charging for this Shit

I have developed a highly scientific test to determine if your partner is compatible with your insanity. There are only four easy steps and require materials that everyone should have in their home*.

While searching for this photo, Google offered
"Breast Pump Disco Party" as a result. You read
my mind once again, Google. 
Materials Required:
  • A small light. A pocket flashlight or cell phone will do.
  • A little cow (Mine was a tiny metal figurine.)
    • Using a real cow is ill-advised as they tend to poop wherever they want.
      • *Everyone should have some sort of cow in their house. Everyone. It cow-pletes your home
      • I'm sorry that just happened.
Alright, now that you're confused as to why the hell these two items are going to help you test your relationship, here is what you need to do:
Step 1: Wait for your partner to go to sleep. They should be asleep for at least half an hour.
Step 2: Enter the bedroom, sneak over to their side of the bed and place the cow near their face.
Step 3: Turn on small light, pointing it at the cow.
Step 4: Make the cow dance around on the pillow while you moo a song. (Preferably a disco song, such as the Bee Gees' "Staying Alive".)
Now, their reaction to this event will determine their awesomeness-score.

You have no idea how much time and effort it took to make this.
  • They get angry: Ok, so it's kinda expected. Most people don't care to be woken up, especially by a dancing cow. The only things that should ever wake me up from a wonderful sleep are chocolate cake, unicorns or Joe Manganiello. Or Joe Manganiello carrying a cake while riding a unicorn.
However, regardless of how reasonable this reaction may be, it's clear that they lack the A-1 Mellow gene in their Awesome chromosome.
    • Score: Awesome-deficient. They should learn to fly a jet, or hang out with Joe Manganiello. It's a well-known fact that Awesome can be transfered through osmosis.
  • They ignore you: Better than outright anger, but still disapointing. If they are committed to you, it means accepting and embracing all of you. Including nocturnal bovine karaoke sessions.
      • Score: Unfortunately, you seem to have attached yourself to a normal human being. One that is used to your shenanigans, but does not revel in them like you do. What a boring, sad life. To cure this, you must force-feed craziness into your partner's life until they learn to appreciate it, goddamnit!
  • They are amused, let you finish your dance and then go back to sleep: Hurray, someone who appreciates your creativity and lack of self-control!
      • Score: Awesomeness Enthusiast. Your partner is like a bird-watcher, except instead of looking for birds, they just live with a crazy person for their own personal amusement. Just be glad they don't keep you in a cage to watch you flit around and sing.
        • Unless you're into that sort of thing.
        • If you are, you're fucked up.
  • They take the cow away from you and make it breakdance as they join the singing: They are your mental soulmate. Your mentalmate. Not only can they easily handle the fact that you've got a one-way ticket to Looneytown, they've got a ticket too. You've probably rented a completely padded car for two on a train (since planes give you bigger nervous breakdown than drugged up Annie Walker in Bridesmaids.)
      • Score: You need to keep this one in a cage, if that's what it takes to hang on to them.
        • The comment about cages in the previous score only applies if you enjoy being in a cage; it's totally normal to want to cage certain people.
    You're so welcome.

    Let me know if you've attempted this test and please share your result.


    1. Sigh- as I do not own any cows I shall have to devise my own crazy test. Though this one seems full proof!

      1. As I've said to Sarah below, any farm animal will do.

        Or even better, a zebra. Cause they make fucking magical sounds.

    2. We received a porcelain cow for a wedding gift many moons ago, but I have no idea what ever came of it. Will a horse and some neighing work as well?

      1. Neighing will be more difficult to sing (if you attempt to do it realistically), so that would automatically elevate you to a more advanced level of testing.

        So neigh away!


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