Tuesday, 1 May 2012

This Post is a Cry for Help. From your Boobs.


Makes me giggle everytime.
I am writing this post because I am sick and tired of seeing this everytime I go out. There you are. Getting all fit and shit by jogging down the street. You're wearing $150 running shoes from Sportchek or Dick's, and nice yoga pants from Lululemon.

As much as you take time to look good for your jog, making sure that it doesn't look like you were trying, you always seem to have one thing missing in your ensemble: a good sports bra.
Sidenote for the boys: Sure, you might have fun driving by those bouncing congo bongos, saying "BOINGOINGOINGOING" in your mind (by the way, they don't actually do that noise.) But enjoy it while you can, cause it only goes downhill from that point on.  
You see, there's this thing called gravity, the evil archenemy of all boobs. Gravity is why your boobs don't naturally look like Pamela Anderson's boobies. Why? Quick Biology recap.

There isn't any muscle in your boobs; its all ligaments and connective tissue. When gravity is present (i.e., all the time, unless you're a badass astronaut), boobs wanna make like Twista and get down, hit the floor.

See what I did? That was a rap-reference.
Cause I'm so ghetto. Homey G.
Boobs + Gravity = Sagginess

So if gravity makes the ligaments and skin stretch, think about what the continuous bouncing does to them when you decide to run a 10k in a skimpy lacy Victoria's Secret. Three words:

Hot. Saggy. Mess.


Because you won't invest in a good sports bra, you'll be looking at getting a boob job at 35. And not because you want to increase your cup size.

Since I like lists, here is one listing possible reasons why girls might not wear a sports bra while jogging. Because I'm feeling bitchy, I'm also including retorts.

    Who cares? Jog, bitch, jog!
  • You want to look good while jogging for all the boys in the yard. They won't want your milkshake if you look flatchested! (So, so ghetto, homeslice.)
    • According to a survey I just conducted, guys who aren't douches are not attracted to women jogging with massive cleavage and makeup running down their face. Ignore the men. If they like that kind of thing, he's not the type you'll want to give a rat's ass about.
  • You think sports bras are confining and uncomfortable.
    • They're not. Having your boobs thrown around your top like a drunk in a mosh pit is uncomfortable.
  • You can't afford one.
    • Bullshit: Wal*Mart. Done.
  • You want saggy boobs.
    • .....Well, I can't help you with that one.
Not sure if your bra is supportive enough for your two best friends? Here's the easiest test ever that I have just developed:
  1. Put the bra on.
  2. Jump up and down.
  3. Look at your boobs.
This is what your boobs
will look like if you
keep doing this.
If they have a slow reaction time to the bouncing (i.e., they bounce a second after you do), you need a better bra.

I don't usually rant like this, but I felt like the dissemination of this information was necessary.
I totally rant like this all the time. Be happy you don't live with me, and feel pity for Andrew.
But for the love of boobs, get a better bra.


  1. LOL does not sufficiently reflect the level of laughter this just brought to my day!

    I teach this to people all the time, but the morons still go about being morons. My titties won't be sagging because we keep them nice and protected in their industrobra!

    1. Glad to know you enjoyed this :)

      Thank you for spreading the word to the morons in your neck of the woods and may your boobs always stay perky! ;)

  2. This is a rant I can totally get on board with! When will these girls realize...chin bruises are not attractive to anybody!

    Quick side note: A good sports bra will lessen the distance needed for a proper push-up. ;)

  3. This is the funniest post I have ever seen when blog-surfing if only because I was literally ( yes literally, I do know what that word means) ranting about this exact topic a couple days ago! I saw this exact sceario - reasonably fit girl, out for an obviously intended run, with the hugest, natural ( good on her for that) knockers ... which they were - knocking, swinging, banging, causing-double take-traffic-accidents-all-around breasts. Well endowed women should be able to wear 'em loud and proud ... but fortheloveofGod NOT when moving at a jogging/running pace! Wear. A. Bra!!!!! (reminds me of the Seinfeld " Bad naked" episode, lol!)

  4. This post is right on the money. I have large breasts (I've even had a reduction and still have rather large breasts) when I see them bouncing up and down like that it hurts to even watch. I don't like to run specifically for that reason. I have to double up the sports bras and sometimes it still may not be enough. While I applaud the exercise I cringe when I see the boobs bouncing like that!


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