This Post is a Cry for Help. From your Boobs.

Ladies.

Makes me giggle everytime.

I am writing this post because I am sick and tired of seeing this everytime I go out. There you are. Getting all fit and shit by jogging down the street. You're wearing $150 running shoes from Sportchek or Dick's, and nice yoga pants from Lululemon.

As much as you take time to look good for your jog, making sure that it doesn't look like you were trying, you always seem to have one thing missing in your ensemble: a good sports bra.

Sidenote for the boys: Sure, you might have fun driving by those bouncing congo bongos, saying "BOINGOINGOINGOING" in your mind (by the way, they don't actually do that noise.) But enjoy it while you can, cause it only goes downhill from that point on.  

You see, there's this thing called gravity, the evil archenemy of all boobs. Gravity is why your boobs don't naturally look like Pamela Anderson's boobies. Why? Quick Biology recap.

NO, DON'T TURN IT ON! MY BOOBS ARE
MORE IMPRESSIVE IN ZERO GRAVITY!

There isn't any muscle in your boobs; its all ligaments and connective tissue. When gravity is present (i.e., all the time, unless you're a badass astronaut), boobs wanna make like Twista and get down, hit the floor.

See what I did? That was a rap-reference.
Cause I'm so ghetto. Homey G.

Boobs + Gravity = Sagginess

 

So if gravity makes the ligaments and skin stretch, think about what the continuous bouncing does to them when you decide to run a 10k in a skimpy lacy Victoria's Secret. Three words:

Hot. Saggy. Mess.

THAT SHIT IS SO BAD FOR YOUR KNOCKERS!

Because you won't invest in a good sports bra, you'll be looking at getting a boob job at 35. And not because you want to increase your cup size.

Since I like lists, here is one listing possible reasons why girls might not wear a sports bra while jogging. Because I'm feeling bitchy, I'm also including retorts.

Who cares? Jog, bitch, jog!

• You want to look good while jogging for all the boys in the yard. They won't want your milkshake if you look flatchested! (So, so ghetto, homeslice.)
• According to a survey I just conducted, guys who aren't douches are not attracted to women jogging with massive cleavage and makeup running down their face. Ignore the men. If they like that kind of thing, he's not the type you'll want to give a rat's ass about.
• You think sports bras are confining and uncomfortable.
• They're not. Having your boobs thrown around your top like a drunk in a mosh pit is uncomfortable.
• You can't afford one.
• Bullshit: Wal*Mart. Done.
• You want saggy boobs.
• .....Well, I can't help you with that one.

Not sure if your bra is supportive enough for your two best friends? Here's the easiest test ever that I have just developed:

1. Put the bra on.
2. Jump up and down.
3. Look at your boobs.

This is what your boobs
will look like if you
keep doing this.

If they have a slow reaction time to the bouncing (i.e., they bounce a second after you do), you need a better bra.

I don't usually rant like this, but I felt like the dissemination of this information was necessary.

I totally rant like this all the time. Be happy you don't live with me, and feel pity for Andrew.

But for the love of boobs, get a better bra.