Monday, 21 November 2011

I Could Have been a Great Stalker

In High School, I was unapologetically weird. Not the I-wear-black-and-dream-about-blood weird, nor the staple-my-arm-for-fun weird (which we had at my school), but more the I-love-singing-Disney-in-the-hallways-and-want-to-be-a-bobblehead-doll-when-I-grow-up weird. In essense, I had no shame, a quality that hasn't changed. Luckily, I had a small group of friends that embraced my inner weirdness and who joined in.

Being in a graduate class of 64 in a K-12 school, everyone knew each other and many had even started daycare together (which makes boyfriend selection quite difficult, as you've most likely seen every single boy eat a worm at least once, a memory that doesn't incite attraction). Another effect from bring raised together was that we all seemed to turn slightly gay (gay as in "awesome!"). I don't know why, but everyone liked to hold hands and be more affectionate than what is socially accepted. Digression ended.

One of my many projects created out of sheer boredom at school was to create the creepiest stalker letters possible. To up the personal touch, the letters were composed of an acronym poem usign the target's name. They usually looked something like this.

Sometimes, I dream of what life would be like if everyone in the world but you and me died.
Then, I could watch you without anyone ever getting in my way
Everytime I see you, I just want to put you in a cage, so I can watch you all day.
Please keep your blinds up are at all times, so I can watch you when you sleep.
Have you noticed how I start heavy breathing when I think of you?
After I watch you shower, I record in my journal everything you did, and how it made me feel.
Never wash your sheets.
I smell them as soon as you leave the room.
Even though I have to go to class once in a while, I installed cameras in your room, so I never have to miss what you do.

Your # 1 Fan,

Clearly, I had amazing potential as a stalker.

I started out giving out the poems to my friends (it's how I show my love), but word spread about my talents. Were people creeped out? Was I shunned? Hell no! My school was full of freaks. I started getting commisions and special requests for stalker poems. I must have made at least 25 of these in one year.

...Yeah. That's it.
First person to comment gets their very own innappropriate stalker poem!


  1. I don't even need the stalker poem cause I would have commented on this without inticement.

    This made me realize how much I love you (and why) and miss you.

  2. Don't worry Kayla! For you, I'll make an exception. :) Prepare to get paranoid!

  3. Ha! I don't need to comment first! This poem used my name anyways! I actually remember you doing this. Is this one you actually gave to me? If not, hope this was directed at me... haha Lots of love!

  4. @Jolene: YOU ALREADY HAVE ONE, GREEDY GRETA! But I'll make you another one.

    @Stephanie: No, this one was a commission from Markey for his girlfriend as a birthday gift I do believe. I'm pretty sure yours was much more inappropriate.


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