I Should not Shop at Costco

Why should you not shop there anymore Christine, you ask? Is it because you spend too much every God damn time? Because you visit the sample ladies so much that they start giving you the stink eye? Because you always get lost and have to call Andrew so he can find you?

No. But yes.

Today, Andrew and I went to Costco in an attempt to finish our Christmas shopping. Instead, we bumped into my parents there and I ended up getting angry. But not at my parents, cause they're cool.

It all started in the toy aisle, where I spotted this:

WHAAAAAAAAAAA!

Pardon the following language.

Who the FUCK is this pony? Belle isn't a little Bitch, she rides Phillippe, the big ass work horse!

Big Ass Workhorse

Weak Ass Pony

Seriously though, Belle is way too much of a bad ass to ride on this little wimp of a horse. She has shit to do and that anorexic My Little Pony won't cut it. I was pissed. So pissed, that I said all of these things out loud in the middle of the store, waving around the box like I could shake it into being awesome. But that was just the beginning, because I then spotted this:

 And this.

 And this.

 GAH!

WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON??!?! At least Belle actually had her dad's workhorse in the movie, but the rest of these princesses didn't have any horses. Sure, the Princes had horses, but the only time any of these girls sat on them is when they were being led by their handsome Princes into the Sunset, where they would each have seven children and then die in childbirth. Brutal, but probably true.

So let's go through them quickly.

• Ariel. IS A MERMAID. The only thing she would be riding is a seahorse, and those are fucking small. Yes, she gets legs, but they're damn weak. She could barely walk, so how in the hell is she going to grip the horse with her legs? And Eric doesn't look like he'd let her ride around the countryside alone. Asshole Eric.
• Jasmine. She's an Arabian Princess. She doesn't need to ride a horse. She probably has a fricken elephant to carry her around. Or thirty war slaves.
• Aurora. Is a little bitch. Riding a horse is too scary. Seriously, she's scared of everything. Strange man awesomely singing along with you. Scary. Actually, now that I think about it, Aurora doesn't do anything the entire movie. She sings in the woods, runs away, gets sent to her parents, pricks the damn spindle, sleeps, gets kissed, marries and dances. What a passive little bitch. I'm done talking about that wimp.
• Snow White. Same deal, total wimp. She was scared of the woods, do you think she'll ride her own damn horse? Nuh-uh. She is made for singing, cleaning and looking pretty. And eventually popping out babies.

I know you want to make money, but what the fuck is up with this, Disney??? What's next, Disney Princess dolls with colour coordinated Range Rovers?? Or Disney Princesses, Biker Chicks?

And let's not even talk about the ridiculously long-ass manes the ponies all have.

At this point, my mom got embarrassed, because I had actually started to yell these things, and people were staring. And I was in the middle of the kids aisle. So she ripped the Barbie box from my hand and dragged me away from them. I was still ranting by the time we got to the cheese section.

Yes, I am a grown woman getting pissed about Disney merchandise. Deal with it.